Sunday of my Life

So, I’m sitting here, both listen to, and singing along with, Down With The Sickness by Distubed, from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack (don’t like the movie, love the music; that’s how it usually goes for me). And I sing along, I realise two things:

1. My parents know of my weird and wild mood swings; seen too many of them not to, but they don’t know of the connection between this song and a psychotic character that me and some of my friends have made. This song is so about Keph LoCaine, of The Dragonhunt, that it’s not funny anymore.
2. Referencing my first point, they also can’t understand the lyrics. Which is a good thing, believe me. It means they can’t be worried by the fact that a) I know all the lyrics off by heart; and b) I’m singing them with such… enthusiasm. (Hey, what can I say? I get into music.)

Well, I find it interesting, anyway.

So, normally I don’t comment on the public transport network, here in Victoria, simply because I don’t believe I know enough to expound any kind of opinion about it. This time, though, I’ll say something.

In the past week, we’ve been told, fifteen suburban trains (whether this is fifteen individual trans, or the same train fifteen times, or a combination thereof, I have no idea) have had potentially serious brake faults. Overshooting platforms, failing to stop, or slow. Big problems. Potentially life-threatening. Still, I was surprised to read in today’s mX* that Shadow Transport Minister Terry Mulder has declared that Melbourne’s public transport network should be stripped of all seventy-two of its Siemens trains because of these faults.

Now, I agree with the sentiment. It is potentially dangerous to life with “these trains [travelling] up to 115 km/h… [carrying] up to 800 passengers.” But, let’s be realistic. These trains make up a significant portion of Melbourne’s public transport capabilities. I know that on my line, trans are already packed out for the 7AM, 8AM, 9AM, 3PM and 5PM run-periods (the ones I can end up taking most often). And most of these runs tend to have Siemens trains on them. So, fine, take all of them out of service until they’ve been undeniably proved safe for life, limb and liberty. But what are you going to replace them with?

These trains were bought for a reason, to help increase the density of the network, and to help modernise it. Take them away, and what are we left with? Do you honestly want to make the travel situation even more Japan-esque, with people crammed onto a train, with barely room to breathe, let alone be realitively comfortable? Condiutions are already tight, and you basically need to get onto the train at either end of the line to make sure you’ll get a seat.

It will be interesting to see which side will win out in the end; pressure for safety, or pressure for transport.

That, therefore, is my barely considered opinion, uninformed though it may be, with my single source being one article in one paper, written by one person. Tra-la-la. As always, when I expound an opinion, I am fully prepared to be wrong, but it doesn’t change what I think, here and now, be what it may.

*mX is the Melbourne public transport newpaper, for those who don’t live in Victoria. It’s free, and a good read on the way home, so I get it for free, and read it good on the way home.

To become so popular with employers? It seems like, ever since I went and got myself a job, I’ve been getting one call a fortnight from an employer interested in offering me a job. All of them get a very polite ‘no’, of course, but still. Why couldn’t this have happened earlier?

Note to those looking for work: When an employer or a recruitment agency says that they’ll keep your resume on file and let you know if anything suited to your skills comes up, some of them actually mean it.

It is. It past 3 in the morning, here, but this is keeping me awake. Maybe once I get it out, I can sleep.

Those who know me, know that I’m an introverted kind of person. I’m shy, and I’m quiet. I’m not afraid to speak up about things I know about; but mostly, I keep back, and let others go. That’s just me, and I don’t know who else to be. But I don’t meet new people often. I don’t make friends at all easily. I don’t trust people easily, either.

When I was younger, I was a liar. It was my survival tactic, in a world that saw me bullied, hated and spurned for what felt like every moment of every day. I’d tell people stories to try and get myself out of things. I’d tell myself stories ,to pretend that it was all going to be okay. Now, with twenty-three lurking aorund the corner, that comes back to haunt me.

Back in the day, I’d make up people to be. Strong people, capable people, who could deal with the abuse of others. The abuse coming from people to who my only crime was existance, and it was a heinous crime at that. Those people are still in here. I can remember every one of them, and the lives that I crafted for them. And I still hear things from their perspectives. I regret what I had to do to survive my schooling. I was never the popular kid; far from it. I was always the fat kid who never played sports, was never part of the in-crowd, and knew that little bit more than the people currently targetting him. So it goes.

Some days, I wonder about my life. I’m back in schooling, tkaing a Uni degree, and battling my way through it, the same way that I do everything. And I wonder if I’m really going anywhere, or if I’m fighting to stand still. Swimming against the tide of my past trying to pull me back, pull me down. I’ve grown, I’ve changed over the years. And I wonder if that as well isn’t one more big lie. A world I’ve invented for myself, to try and tell myself that it’s all right. Some days, I don’t know who I am anymore.

Am I me? Who is me? Which me is the me doing the asking. I feel like I’m looking down at myself through someone else’s eyes, seeing myself coloured by their perceptions. There’s always someone else in there, soemone who can take care of the situation. Someone who can cope, even when I can’t. Am I really asking this? It sounds crazy, but, then I’ve always been strange. Always been different. That’s nothing new to me. I doubt my head has ever worked the same way as anyone else. Part of being an individual. We’re all different, all strange to someone. Normal is a societal illusion, a mid-point of percieved sanity that society tells itself everyone should fit. If you don’t, if you’re abnormal, if you’re different, then you’re the enemy. And I’m my own worst enemy, always have been. So now I wonder how much of it is in my head, and how much is real?

I don’t know if I’ll ever find out to my satisfaction.

Maybe, one day. Maybe not. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive the person that I was, and accept the person that I am. If I find out who I really am, that is. If the dreaming stops, the nightmares, the panic attacks. Some days, the grip on sanity feels very tenuous. I can only keep going forward. There is no turning back. There never is. What’s done is done. The past stays in the past, and the future is what we must face.

One day.

We’ll see.

Today, I recieved my official notification from RMIT as to the status of my application for the Bachelor of Applied Science (Information Technology). SOunds spiffy, doesn’t it? I quote below the best portion of the letter:

Dear Mr. [Person]

I am pleased to advise your application for admission to RMIT University has been successful for the following program:

Program BP162 Bachelor of Applied Science (Information Technology)
Plan: BP162 B App Sci (Informtation Tech)
Acedemic Load: Full time
Fee Type: CSP (Commonwealth Supported Placement)
Attendance Mode: Internal
Campus: City Campus

I just have to turn up to the appointed place on the 4th of July and 10 AM, and fill out my enrollment forms,then pay my student dues, and all shall be peachy. Woo!

Quoted from my dashboard where Akismet tells me how wonderful it is by protecting me from spam comments:

Akismet has protected your site from 1999 spam comments.

C’mon spammers! Just one more, and your worthless claptrap could win you a… weird pastry, stuffed full of stuff! Can’t you just taste the stuff?

So, today I mailed off my application to RMIT for their mid-year intake of the Bachelor of Applied Science (Information Technology). I finally qualify for it, and can skip most of it, thanks to my previous learning. Wish me luck!

Okay, so, Erin is leaving at the end of May to spend a month and a bit travelling aorund England, Canada and the US with Peta. At the same time, my parents are spending a fortnight up in Newcastle with Monica. This leaves me here all on my lonesome for 10-14 days (not totally clear on the duration yet. I’ll know more closer to the date).

What’s the first thing my father tells me? (And, I realise he could have been joking — but he wasn’t.)

“Now, while we’re away, you’re not to throw any parties here, understand?”

Uhh… yeah. I know it’s going to be a real struggle for me to avoid throwing a party.

<monotone> Oh woe is me. However shall I resist the temptation. I have been put in an intractable position.</monotone>

Yea, and let it then be known, that these are the signs of the Apocolypse, the heralding of the End of All.

There will be oceans of blood

The dead will rise

The Four Horsemen will ride out

Adrian will get his learner’s permit and commence learning to drive.

One of these hast happened this day. Pick the most likely prospect.

Quick rantiness to round-out my day, I think. Thanks to the help of a friend earlier in the week, I found seek.com.au’s Graduate/Entry-Level jobs section. This will, I am sure, be a big boon to my job-hunt; finally having somewhere that lists job specifically for my experience level.

Or, it would if people, you know, did this.

I have two complaints with it. Big ones. My usual job search restrictions on there are “Jobs, Graduate/Entry-level, in IT & T, located in Melbourne”. That’s all the restrictions I make. So, in the past few days of looking, I have come across:

35 jobs listed in Melbourne, located in Canberra. Now, when you limit your job-search to a specific city, it’s usually because, oh, you want jobs that are located there, you know? You don’t want jobs telling you “well, here’s a fantastic opportunity for you! You just have to pay your own way to move really far away from your life and start all over again! Hurrah!” And, what’s worse? They were all the same job, listed by the same company.

26 jobs listed that require 1, 2 or 3 years of experience. Hate to break it to you, guys, but that is not entry-level. Entry-level or Graduate jobs don’t require experience, simply because they’re designed for people who have to come in on the ground-floor and work their way up. We don’t have experience. We’ve never had jobs in this industry before. Why on earth do you think we’re looking in the entry-level section if we have experience? If you’ve got experience there’s bigger jobs for better pay to be had in the mainstream IT & T section.

Okay, that’s my quick rant all done and dusted. Admittedly if the jobs in the entry-level section were better chosen they wouldn’t be able to boast as many in there; but at least you’d know what’s in there is good to look at.