It’s Late…
It is. It past 3 in the morning, here, but this is keeping me awake. Maybe once I get it out, I can sleep.
Those who know me, know that I’m an introverted kind of person. I’m shy, and I’m quiet. I’m not afraid to speak up about things I know about; but mostly, I keep back, and let others go. That’s just me, and I don’t know who else to be. But I don’t meet new people often. I don’t make friends at all easily. I don’t trust people easily, either.
When I was younger, I was a liar. It was my survival tactic, in a world that saw me bullied, hated and spurned for what felt like every moment of every day. I’d tell people stories to try and get myself out of things. I’d tell myself stories ,to pretend that it was all going to be okay. Now, with twenty-three lurking aorund the corner, that comes back to haunt me.
Back in the day, I’d make up people to be. Strong people, capable people, who could deal with the abuse of others. The abuse coming from people to who my only crime was existance, and it was a heinous crime at that. Those people are still in here. I can remember every one of them, and the lives that I crafted for them. And I still hear things from their perspectives. I regret what I had to do to survive my schooling. I was never the popular kid; far from it. I was always the fat kid who never played sports, was never part of the in-crowd, and knew that little bit more than the people currently targetting him. So it goes.
Some days, I wonder about my life. I’m back in schooling, tkaing a Uni degree, and battling my way through it, the same way that I do everything. And I wonder if I’m really going anywhere, or if I’m fighting to stand still. Swimming against the tide of my past trying to pull me back, pull me down. I’ve grown, I’ve changed over the years. And I wonder if that as well isn’t one more big lie. A world I’ve invented for myself, to try and tell myself that it’s all right. Some days, I don’t know who I am anymore.
Am I me? Who is me? Which me is the me doing the asking. I feel like I’m looking down at myself through someone else’s eyes, seeing myself coloured by their perceptions. There’s always someone else in there, soemone who can take care of the situation. Someone who can cope, even when I can’t. Am I really asking this? It sounds crazy, but, then I’ve always been strange. Always been different. That’s nothing new to me. I doubt my head has ever worked the same way as anyone else. Part of being an individual. We’re all different, all strange to someone. Normal is a societal illusion, a mid-point of percieved sanity that society tells itself everyone should fit. If you don’t, if you’re abnormal, if you’re different, then you’re the enemy. And I’m my own worst enemy, always have been. So now I wonder how much of it is in my head, and how much is real?
I don’t know if I’ll ever find out to my satisfaction.
Maybe, one day. Maybe not. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive the person that I was, and accept the person that I am. If I find out who I really am, that is. If the dreaming stops, the nightmares, the panic attacks. Some days, the grip on sanity feels very tenuous. I can only keep going forward. There is no turning back. There never is. What’s done is done. The past stays in the past, and the future is what we must face.
One day.
We’ll see.
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October 28th, 2006 at 3:39 am
I read what you wrote and the stuff about it all not feeling real and questioning your reality resonates with me beacuse i’ve had those moments too. One thing i will say from what you’ve written is that it sounds like you’re stuck. Stuck in ‘being different’ and the you you dont think you really are or that you think is not an authentic reflection of self. for one moment pretend this is not big sister saying this but just a person saying some stuff - be open to some of the ideas.
sometimes life is tough and we develop different means of coping with that toughness - sometimes through illness of the mind, the physical, the not doing ‘cos you told me to, the doing everything for everyone ‘cos then maybe they’ll like you. But the trick with all that stuff is that it can help to protect us when we feel most vulnerable but for some it becomes a comfortable place in itself. it stops helping and becomes that thing that tells us not to bother with others, with the world, with relationships because we have this nice shield set up that is familiar and protects us. its ok to think you are different because you are - you’re perspective is your reality. but, when you stay stuck in ‘but I’m different, no-one feels or sees the way i do’ it can become a reason to not change, not be ok or do anything different. i affirm that you’re upbringing was shit! i saw it, I felt it, I witnessed it. But it is and always will be your choice about who you are now and if you choose to not move past that shit. Some can remark - ‘I dont choose to have panic attacks, i dont choose to feel shit every day, i dont choose the nightmares, I dont choose this existance where everything is lacking and I’m all alone.’ But there comes a point where you did choose. Panic attacks come from the perception of dangerous situations coupled with emotion that’s not being dealt with by you. the same goes for nightmares! that feeling of unreality is also a defence that can be developed in response to a threat in the world. My question would be - what’s stopping you from changing it? (My guess would be fear) One universal truth is that you have all the power in this situation. It is your choice to not do anything and lament the way in which you grew. Maybe you feel the need to keep punishing yourself because of what you allowed others to do to you. (and at some point you did make a decision to allow it to continue - i dont mean from the very beginning but at some point you gave your power away and bought into other peoples shit about you.) Maybe its time to forgive yourself. Have you not suffered enough? You have the answers Adrian - all the knowledge and insight is within you. So what are you going to do about it? just be aware - if you choose to do nothing and keep the shield remember - its your choice. i carry you in my heart. I love you xx
Two good books I’ve read recently about introverts and how they make meaning in the world - Dorothy Rowe ‘The Successful Self’ and sheldon kopp ‘If you see Buddha on the road, kill him’. They would be a good beginning for you. now you have the money from your job prioritise yourself and go and talk to someone - $50 is all you need. Its up to you…