An Explanation…
Perhaps I should explain a little of the feeling behind yesterday’s post. I know I sounded like I was speaking in a sacastic tone, and in some ways that impression is correct. I was trying — failing, frankly — to make light of something that was bothering me. This thing with chewing on my knuckles; it is important to me. To me it means that if I can manage to break myself of the habit of doing it then I am well on my way to beating and/or controlling my Panic Disorder. To me the knuckle-biting represents times when I am stressed, nervous or anxious; those times when I am most prone to an attack. If I can manage to stop myself from doing it then it means that I am in control of my emotions and my reactions to situations. To me — and don’t bother stopping me becuase I know this is silly — the fact that I have started doing it again constitutes a failure on my part; and I hate failing on the really important things. Hate it with a passion.
And to me, controlling my Panic Disorder is veryimportant. It is important to me in the same way that my family is important to me. It represents my continued sanity and dignity in this life. I would like to be able to live my life with at least some shred of dignity. It’s silly, it’s stupid. I know. Believe me I know. That’s why I’ll keep trying, even when I feel like I’ve failed. I will keep trying
You have my promise on that.
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