Sunday of my Life

I can successfully install, configure and otherwise Make Good an Apache HTTPD Webserver on Linux. Who’da thunk?

You sometimes here the strangest things, if you keep your ears open. Things that people say in public can be… unusual, to say the least.

On the train the other day, repeated every thirty seconds on the dot for the entire trip home (about an hour and fourteen minutes):
“Queensland…”

On the train tonight, after a guy obviously high on something (life, so he claims) gets between carriages and climbs up to see what it looked like:
“I’m not crazy, really. I’m just an idiot!”

Said in the bar I visited today for Agent FareEvader’s birthday meet-n-greet:
“And then he said he wanted to tie me up and spank me with a wooden spoon. How am I supposed to respond to that?”

Heard as I walked along Flinders Street after said birthday event:
“So I’m taking my mother home to meet my girlfriend, now.”

We in networking talk about the “Essential Abilities”… Scalability, Affordability, Manageability, Securability, Useability, etc… but Employability; that is the most essential ability of all. The one we oftentimes neglect. But lately a certain special someone has proved her employability, just as I knew she would. Yes, I’m talking about the ever-wonderful, ever-witty, ever-lovely Dorothea Salo who has managed to get herself a job very soon after graduating her MLS; a very nice job at that. To you I offer heartfelt congratulations Dorothea. You have more than earned it.

So, inm the midst of a flurry of Cisco CCNA Examinations. Fun they are. Real fun. Cisco are very, very misleading in their exams. Everything must be read very carefully and you must spend every moment aware, hunting for the inconsistancies, the little tricks in thier questions. The questions hidden inside questions. The questions whose answers consist of nothing but 128 character binary strings, three of which only have 1 character differences between them. Fun, no?

So I did the exam for Module 7: Distance-Vector Routing Protocols today. Pass mark was 70%. I scored 57.4%

I was duped, I tells ya! Duped! They played me for a fool in a number of questions. Unfortunately I have no idea which questions they were because Cisco won’t actually tell you what you got right and what you didn’t. They do give you feedback on the things you have to read up on to get things right next time (if the exam is exactly the same next time, which it never is. Each exam has a question pool and is randomly drawn from that every time). I think even this feedback is misleading. There’s things listed here, like IGRP Metrics, that weren’t even on the exam. I get the feeling you’d be told you needed to read up on certain areas even if you got 100%. They nver want you to think that you could know everything they teach you.

Misleading exams. I hate them and the people who design them.

I miss my music whilst I’m working. Last night upon plugging in my headphones at home and settling down to get some work done I discovered my music to be garbled and incomprehensible, with many a-missing frequency and other such things. Completely forgetting everything I’ve learnt about checking on the simplest problems first — since they will inevitably turn out to be the correct answer — I assumed a fault with my sound card. This seemed a safe assumption as various parts of my computer have been falling apart as of late. Uninstalled the hardware and drivers I proceeded to reinstall them, noticing finally that the most vital of the low-level hardware driver components, the Multimedia Audio Control, appeared to be Missing, Presumed Uninstalled. I haven’t found the driver set I need for it yet, although the hunt continues.

Now, as I said, this seemed to be the safe assumption as to the problem, but you know what they say about assumptions. So, as it turns out, I have uninstalled my sound hardware for no reason at all; my headphones are the actual problem. It appears the DSP¹ in the controller unit has gone haywire and is eating up portions of every audio signal that passes through it.

I always learn better with music. Don’t really know why, I just do. It makes me comfortable, I suppose, and when we feel comfortable in our working environment we work better. Quid Pro Quo². I miss my music. I’ve been taking my headphones and a CD packed with music to classes with me whilst I’ve been studying, to try and make myself more comfortable (and to block out the noises of everyone else and, admittedly (with a slight shame at the fact I feel I need to do it), to block out everyone else’s requests for help. To signify that I’m closing myself off from the world and concentrating solely on what I’m doing. I do so love to help people, but I can’t really afford the time it takes to help others out until after I’m done with my exams.

But I do so hate to say no to others. It’s a failing. I’m trying, really I am.

1. Digital Signal Processor, for those not up on their TLAs

2. Quid Quo Pro? Quid Pro Quo? I can never remember which it really is.

Addendum: We have successful restoration of sound and thus music. All is right with the world.

Those days when everything seems too hard. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, going to work/school, doing tasks, taking tests, blinking, breathing; it all seems like more effort than you can take.

Weary Days.

Those days when everything seems to weigh heavily on you, and that little demon who sits on your shoulder and lashes you with you insecurities and failings is louder than ever. You don’t have the will or the energy to block him out. And you feel that, in some obscure way, it’s becuase you don’t really want to. As if…

As if you want to listen to him. And why? you ask. Why would you want ot listen to a voice that belittles you, tell you how insignificant and dissapointing you are? That I don’t know. There my intellect fails me.

Weary Days.

I’m having one.

Things lately… they’re hard to take. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry, but I don’t. I don’t. I soldier on. I keep going, keep fighting, keep on struggling to get done what has to be done. And admitting to it, admitting to the fight, that makes the demon pipe up again. He tells me that I’m only saying all of this becuase I want the sympathy. I don’t even know anymore. I feel like I don’t know anything (test scores of late notwithstanding). I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting on like this before I give up and curl up and hide from the world again. I don’t want to go back to doing that, but it feels like the only sanctuary I have left, even though hiding never makes any of it any better. It doesn’t make it go away. It just delays things. But even a delay would be good right now. It would be nice to not have to think about anything in the world at all for the next couple of weeks whilst I take care of my exams and such. It would definately be nice

But it’s not going to happen.

Weary Days.

What do you make of them? How do you survive them? How do you make yourself get up and do those things you have to do?

Perhaps I should explain a little of the feeling behind yesterday’s post. I know I sounded like I was speaking in a sacastic tone, and in some ways that impression is correct. I was trying — failing, frankly — to make light of something that was bothering me. This thing with chewing on my knuckles; it is important to me. To me it means that if I can manage to break myself of the habit of doing it then I am well on my way to beating and/or controlling my Panic Disorder. To me the knuckle-biting represents times when I am stressed, nervous or anxious; those times when I am most prone to an attack. If I can manage to stop myself from doing it then it means that I am in control of my emotions and my reactions to situations. To me — and don’t bother stopping me becuase I know this is silly — the fact that I have started doing it again constitutes a failure on my part; and I hate failing on the really important things. Hate it with a passion.

And to me, controlling my Panic Disorder is veryimportant. It is important to me in the same way that my family is important to me. It represents my continued sanity and dignity in this life. I would like to be able to live my life with at least some shred of dignity. It’s silly, it’s stupid. I know. Believe me I know. That’s why I’ll keep trying, even when I feel like I’ve failed. I will keep trying

You have my promise on that.

They’re always, always the hardest to break. I do try, really I do, but I keep on doing it, especially now, when stress is piling up on top of me. Okay, so it’s not that big a deal, really… I started biting on my knuckles again.

Oh woe-is-me, for I am undone!

Well, for the sake of it, I guess. Those who know me know I’m not really the most overtly religious of people. I have faith and spirituality and opinions about them and my own ideas, but I don’t share it, becuase I don’t really see a point. It’s mine — wholly mine — and no one else’s and, frankly, whether or not anyone else agrees or with or shares my beliefs doesn’t really make that much of a difference to me. But a prayer, this evening, for a friend. For a lot of my friends actually, but for one in particular. He means so much to me; a guy who, though just about twice my age, has been there for me for over 10 years now. A true friend, in every sense of the word. He recently lost his father, and has now been laid low himself by a heart attack. He’s currently in a hospital in New Zealand — I know not which one — and lacking any place better ot put my thoughts, I’ll put them here, in this journal; the place intended originally for my thoughts and aspirations.

A Prayer

———–

Listen now unto these words.
They come from the heart,
To speak to the soul.

Though times ahead may seem dark,
Remember that friends are with you,
And naught will change that.

What life may bring you,
We will be there,
And help is always at your call.

We offer friendship, and love
Each in our own way,
But all with sincerity.

We will be there, through the battles ahead,
We will be there for you, come what may,
Always and forever.

———–

There, I’ve said my piece for the night.

I do apologise for the laxity of my updates of late. I’ve been doing things. I’ll try to pick up the pace a bit more in the coming weeks. Trying is all I can promise, for now.

OK, so I had some bad news from a friend today, a death in his family and a lot of things to take care of now, doing what I can to help and yada yada… so before I forget all about this in the midst of the shite:

Happy Birthday Drew. 26 today. And many more happy returns. Hope you are your lovely wife enjoy yourselves tonight and over the weekend. Sorry I couldn’t be there.