Alone In The Dark…
So I was in therapy yesterday and (yes, I know what you’re thinking: ‘You? In therapy? Naaah… get out of here… I’d never have pictured you as the type that would need therapy!’) my psychiatrist said something to me that struck echoes deep inside, and they’ve been bouncing around until just now.
“At the risk of heading down the wrong track, there was a computer game once called ‘Alone in the Dark’. What it was about is unimportant, but think about that name. That seems to be where your fear centres. You are afraid not of being alone, and not of the dark alone, but the both together.”
And, frankly, at the time I was thinking ‘You’re a very intelligent guy, and I respect you, but what a load of codswallop.” But I listen, with both my ears, and I took it in, and I let it settle. My hour was soon up, anyway, and away off home I went. It took a day and a night (there was night, and there was morning, and that was the Monday) but something pinged at me earlier today, and I suddenly realised simply how right he was. The only time my fear of the dark has overwhlemed me is when I’m alone. I know you could say that that’s the way alot of fears go, and you’d be right, but I feel that it means something in this case. Erin draws it a little further, however.
She has it that when I’m alone in the dark I’m disconnected from all references to my reality. Essentially I can’t see what’s coming, or what’s been. So what I fear then is the unknown. I feel that this, too, is correct. A big one for knowing what’s going on I am. So much so that it does form the very basis of what I use to create my reality around myself. So when I’m alone in the dark there’s nothing to reference myself against…
Yes, it does fit. It fits very well in fact. I shall have to speak to Mr. Psychiatrist about this next week (or when I can next afford to see him. $90 a session… hefty, but I afford it becuase I have to.) and see what he says. I will say this: it is a Good Thing to have a sister who’s trained as a psychologist. Sjhe may not be able to take you on as a client for ethical reasons, but that doesn’t stop her giving advice and listening to you. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about Erin, she’d always, always ready to listen when I need to talk.
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